Coca Cola Truck Driver Beats up Car Driver

A Coca-Cola truck driver whipped some poor guys *ss tonight in Arizona a source tells me. The incident happened when the truck driver thought he was cut off. At the red light he got out, and whipped this guy badly.

The Coca-Cola driver was arrested at the scene. "I aint never drinking Coca-Cola again. I will drink Pepsi from here on out. I am getting me a good lawyer." says Daniel Tobelit. Sounds like some guy with black eyes is going to be moving on up....like the Jeffersons lol!

14th Annual Drunken Easter Egg Hunt

It was the 14th Annual Drunken Easter Egg Hunt at Rolly's in South Carolina."Each year people get drunker before they go out to search for plastic Easter eggs filled with $1 bills! The rules are simple. You pay a $5 fee, and you MUST fail a breathalizer test before the search begins.

"We had a guy throw up so bad today, we had to call 911 for him. He had alchohol poisoning. They had to pump his stomach at the hospital" says bartendar Jane Rokel. All in all there were 100 eggs. With 85 contestants, the bar made a killing.

"We made so much money. The drunker they gotm the more people payed the $5 fee to hunt" says Jane. Sounds like these drunks were ripped off.

Joe Moko will Fight Bill Bunker in K.C. Petco store!

He has less than a week before he is to serve a 4 month prison sentence. He had a scheduled fight in Max Meadows with Big Bill Bunker, the man who fired him at Burger King. But Bunker has ran out of town, and relocated to a town in Kansas City. During a recent interview with Bunker, I found out where he was hiding during his interview.

"Yo, thanks for that info. I have a plane flight headed to Kansas City on Tuesday morning" said Moko. If all goes right for Moko, he will arrive in Kansas City on Tuesday and go inside Petco on Wednesday. His new GF Sandy Salower will even tape his knuckles up before he goes inside."I told him, his hands are dynamite. Protect them babies Joe. That is our meal ticket" she tells us.

Bill Bunker has got a job at a local Petco in K.C. scooping fish."If he comes in Petco looking for a fight, he will get one. I will dunk his fat *ss head in a Pirahna tank. He better not come here looking for trouble, becuase I will give him some" says a angry Bill Bunker.

"When I walk in Petco, my fists will do my talking. I am going to get my revenge before I serve my time" says Moko. Look out Bill Bunker, there may be a 426 pound customer with a bad attitude lol! Go Joe! Take care of buisness down there!

Going BACK to Old School Writing Style!

I am climbing back down the damn ladder! I am grabbing my bottle of Old Crow, and walking down the ladder with a drunken buzz! I must have been too nice lately or something. But its time to step-up and take control! I am telling it like I see it from this point on! No more Mr.Nice Guy!

In the coming weeks, I am going to take my throne back as Media Sports King! I am booting all these 10 cent bloggers who are in my way, to the side where they belong. I am on the damn Highway to Hell! Nobody is safe from here on out...NOBODY!

Clown Actor KO's Gang Member at L.A. Birthday party!

Charlie Davis was driving to a kids birthday party. "It was a perfect day. The weather was warm, it was saturday, you could not ask for a better day to work" he tells me. As he arrived, he was running a little behind time. He usally gets there about 45 minutes in advance of all parties, so he can paint his face and get into his clown costume.

"As I arrived I noticed several Mexicans drinking beer outside. One guy yelled here is Bozo yo" says Davis. Still Davis knew there was a show to perform. He would recieve the standard $250 service fee he charges for party events. When Charlie Davis began painting his face in his car using his car mirror to guide him, people were heard laughing at him.

"YO, we aint paying this chump" said one of the Mexicans in the supposed gang. Davis then tried to stay proffesional. He got out in clown suit and all, and aksed "So where is the birthday boy?" As he was led inside the house, the local gangster did not find it ammusing they hired a clown.

The gangster then supposidly honked his red clown nose. "I aint paying for this retard clown man" his friend said to the group. Thats when Charlie Davis stopped and said "You pay me, all of it".

When the gangster said "make me pay you yo" the 52 year old clown actor and the 20 year old Mexican gangster went to the front lawn to settle the score via bareknuckle style. "I loved Homey the Clown from Living Color comedy show. He was my inspiration to become a clown and start my own buisness. Davis said "Homey Dont Play That!" just like the clown from the show.

"Yo,old man hit him like 20 times yo, in under like 30 seconds. My boy got his *ss whipped on his 21st birthday. Old man clown can throw" says Hulio Victor. Davis the Killer Clown would get his money via a beatdown. But at the end of the day he would lose $27 on gas fee's it took to travel there.

"Homey Dont Play That. Just because I am dressed like a clown, its doesnt mean I am a joke. I got the last laugh" says Davis. Attention all gang members in L.A. if you ever hire Clown Charlie Davis for a party, dont mess with him. He is nobody to CLOWN-AROUND with lol!

340 Pound Man Falls from 10 Foot Tightrope!

He wanted to walk the tightrope like the famous circus freaks do for Ringling and Barnum Bailey Circus. He wanted for one night, to become the Greatest Show on Earth. But instead Jim Murray sits in a South Carolina hospital with 2 broken legs, and 45 stitches in his right foot!

Murray has heard people tell him for years he was too fat to walk a tightrope. The rope is tight as advertised and takes World Class skill and balance to walk one.

Murray invited a local radio station that is known as a country music network to cover the World Record Weight attempt. He would be heaviest man to ever try to walk 50 yards on a tightrope 10 foot above the ground.

At the 6 foot length, Murray started to lose his balance. A strong gush of wind came from behind, and the 340 pounder went overboard. Spectators started chanting "Humpty Dumpty"over and over! "It was uncalled for. They were very disrespectful. I will attempt this World Record once I recover" he tells me.

Murray would break both legs despite only a 10 foot fall. "He fell fast. His weight pushed him to the ground faster than most people. He was screaming in pain. We were lucky we had a paramedic crew on hand" says his manager Tom Dole.

"He was screaming, and cursing" says a local spectator. Good luck with the recovery. On his next attempt when ever that may be, I will make the trip down to South Carolina to cover this historic rematch between bigman and tightrope lol!

Drunk eats 15 Earthworms for $20!

A drunk coming out of a local bar in Fells Point, located near Baltimore's popular Inner Harbor did the unthinkable. My reporter offered him $20 to eat 15 earthworms, and the drunk did just that!

"They tasted kinda good to be honest" said Mark Fritzer. Fritzer used the extra $20 to go a strip club. "I was broke, now I can stay out late tonight. I am going to watch some strippers. I am drunk, I feel good, and now I need to see some women dancing."

Local Ballplayer gets Hit in the Face by a 85 Mph Fastball!

He had his chewing tobacco in his mouth. For 15 seconds he was a All-Star. Mike Rigols a local 7-11 worker was playing some good all baseball with his buddies. "They wanted to show off for the girls, so we played fast pitch" he says. Thats when 6'2" and 241 pounder Dan Wiley unloaded a heater estimated at 85 mph. "I used to play for the local bar softball team" says Wiley.

Wiley had his new girlfriend who he just met at a local bar just last week."Dan is a showoff" says his new GF Mary Golko. Wiley unloaded with everything he had. Thats when the ball sizzled into 128 pounder Mike Rigols jaw! "I dropped, it was like Mike Tyson hit me with a right uppercut" says Rigols.

Wiley then told him to "get up and be and be a man". "He took a little baseball on the jaw, I dodged bullets in Iraq" says Wiley. Rigols stayed down on the ground for about 18 minuted they tell me. "He was bleeding, it was totally gross" says Mary Golko.

Apparently Mike Rigols lost a tooth also. "Maybe the tooth fairy will visit him. This is baseball, he needs to toughen up" says the 6'2" fastball throwing Dan Wiley. I dont think the Orioles will be calling him anytine soon, he better stick to fixing slurpies at 7-11" says Wiley.

I asked the little man Rigols if he had anything to add? "I got hit in the jaw by a heater. Man, screw baseball, I am done with this sport. I was here to have fun, now I have a fat jaw. I look like the elephant man."

Man Catches a 4 pound Largemouth Bass

I have no idea why this fool e-mailed me. He tells me he recently caught a 4 pound Largemouth Bass at Lake Waterford in Maryland. I guess that is an accomplishement being I havent ever caught a fish at that duck infested lake. No body never catches anything there lol! Congrats Mike on catching a 4 pound Bass loser! Whipp-dee-doo! Go drink a beer and celebrate...ya filthy animal...haha!

Raven Fan Locked up after visiting Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

Baltimore resident Joe Donald claims he was wrongly locked up last week, while on vacation in Cleveland. While attending the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame he was wearing a Baltimore Ravens T-shirt. “They called me every name in the book!” says a angry Joe Donald. “I wasnt there for a football game, it was love, peace, rock and roll man!” he tells me.

The 60’s born hippie was wrongly arrested in Cleveland. Reports tell me, he cursed out a few of the locals there. When the securtiy from the Hall of Fame came to the scene, he was irrate that the people were starting trouble with him. “I did nothing wrong man, just trying to see some free loving rock and roll stuff man”.

Thats when he refused to leave the Hall of Fame at securities request. The Cleveland police were called and at 3:30 eastern time, he was taken to the Cleveland police station and spent the night on disturbing the peace of all things. “I wasnt disturbing nobody man” he tells me.

“Man, I will never come to Clevaland again, these people have no love for tourists man” he tells me. Yeah Cleveland, looks like you are still mad since your new football team the Cleveland Brownies are still the biggest punchline in the NFL!

Cat Defeats Bully Cat in.....Trailer Park Cat Fight!

As I came home from work in the wee hours of the night, I arrived at my Trailer Park residence lol! Just in time, I seen a cat hissing at this cute little grey cat. The mean cat was like a tan rough, hair missing street warrior, battle tested, Trailer Park fighting cat from the gates of Hell!

It hissed at the cute cat, and all HELL broke loose! The Trailer Park had a war on its street! The cute cat made the loudest RRAAAAAA type growl. It then pranced on the bully cat! The bully cat got the hell out of there. The cute cat had hair in his mouth.

Apparently the rough looking cat...was NOT rough. He just gets his *ss kicked on a daily basis! Congrats to the cute cat....he is now named King of the Trailer Park cats! This MEOW....is for you little fellow!

Fisherman Claims he saw Mothman Fly By his Lake!

Joel Youngbar was fishing at a lake last week in Point Pleasant, WV. He claimed while on his boat, he seen the Mothman lol! "This thing had about a 8 foot wingspan" said a very excited Youngbar. When I asked him if he caught any fish while doing a all-nighter, he replied "Screw the fish, I saw Mothman!"

Look out Point Pleasant, WV! Apparently the Mothman is back in town! Lock your doors already you drunken fools! I too have a Mothman Prophecy! I seen the movie, it was goooooood! "Good" I tell you. I am wondering if any Warner Brothers or Sony executive is reading this? We want Mothman Part 2, the Youngbar Sightings!

Sounds like a good movie! Somebody start popping some Pop Corn lol!

300 Pounders to Battle in Main Event of Shogun Fights 2!!

It will be the biggest Main Event in Maryland MMA history! The cage better be reinforced, because the bigboys are stepping in with a score to settle! The Main Event at Shogun Fights 2 to be held at 1st Mariner Arena this saturday night at 6pm, is going to be a brawl! This fight will NOT go the distance, unlike some other MMA Main Event fights that have fizzled out with disapointment. There have been times when many of us have watched these UFC Main Events, only to hear the crowd boo the entire time. This saturday, I promise you that wont be the case!

The Main Event will feature Ryan McGowan. At 6′4″ and a whopping 315 pounds, he will be a tank in the Shogun Cage! He will be taking on another tank in Deon West. At 6′1″ and 325 pounds, West will meet McGowan in a Main Event for the ages! I promise you, not one person will be sitting down when the bigboys step into that cage. I really expect a slugfest in this fight. Both fighters are very big. This will not be going to a decision. Somebody in this match gets KO”d at 1st Mariner Arena this saturday night.

I have the great honor of being able to cover this event! This will be my first ever MMA event I attended in person. And this Main Event has me very excited! This is going to be a WAR! Both of these guys are warriors….and big ones at that! Both will more than likely come out swinging! Get your tickets already! Come join me this saturday night! Here is the Official website link to Shogun Fights
http://www.shogunfights.com/index.php

Interview with Marylands 1st MMA fighter....Steven Baker!

He was the 1st man to ever walk down the isle for a MMA fight in Maryland history! He fought in the first ever MMA fight in Maryland history. And unfortunatly, he also lost the 1st fight in Maryland MMA history. When it comes to Trivia questions, Steven Baker will be the answer to many questions 100 years from now. And at ShoGun fights 2 to be held at 1st Mariner Arena this saturday night who better to kick things off than Steven Baker. Once again he will be in the 1st fight of the evening. I recently had a chance to interview this dangerous MMA fighter, and here is what he had to say……

Tim Lumber: You were the first ever MMA fighter to ever enter the cage in Maryland. You will become a trivia question oneday. How does it feel to have become the first ever person to ever walk down the isle in Maryland MMA history?

Steven Baker: It was a great honor. I wanna thank John Rallo for making all that happen , he’s a class act and great representative for the sport of m.m.a. . I wasn’t nervous until Big Dan was checking me over outside of the cage and then the heart beat picked up , and when I stepped in there the cage it was enormous compared to what I used to fight in. It was like an ocean. I looked around at all the people, and saw all the cameras flashing. For a kid from a small town in Sussex County , Delaware that’s something i’ll never forget. Wish I could’ve got the win , but one things for certain I may have been the first man to get his ass kicked in Maryland MMA, but I damn sure wont be the last!

Tim Lumber: Once again you will be fighting in the 1st match of the night. You will be taking on one of John Rallo’s students in Rick Desper. How hard have you been training for this upcoming MMA fight?

Steven Baker: I have been training harder then ever 7 days a week sometimes 2 times a day. I know what a great program John has over there at Ground Control, so I really have to be on my p’s and q’s for this match. Rick is a brown belt in jiu-jitsu and is coming off a loss as well at shogun, so i’m expecting the toughest fight of my career so far.

Tim Lumber: How long have you been training in MMA, and when did you know you wanted to be a MMA fighter?

Steven Baker: I started training around April of 2008 for my 1st MMA fight in Combat in the Cage 13th Strike. Prior to that it was just my dad and my brother Bruce Lee Baker learning jiu-jitsu from instructional magazines or tapes whatever we could find. But I realized quickly that I needed to get with a team and train with some people that have fought in the cage before, so i joined Brad Pole’s primal fighting systems, and have been there ever since. Its been a perfect fit for me , and cant thank him enough for all the doors he has opened for me. I grew up on Bruce Lee movies and the Tao of Jeet Kune Do was basically my Bible until I saw the first UFC on pay per view. I knew this was something I wanted to do when I first saw Royce Gracie win the 1st UFC. Like a lot of guys it really struck close to home for me when I read about the history of Jiu- Jitsu and how Relio Gracie was told he’d never do what his brothers were doing, because he was to frail and small. It really struck me as a motivating force since I was always this skinny kid that was born with a cleft lip and never allowed to play any sports in school. So for me it just goes to show what alot of heart and determination can do when you put everything you have into it and give it your all regardless of the outcome. Reminds me of a quote from Tao of Jeet Kune Do , “success is a journey not a destination”- Bruce Lee.

I would like to thank Steven Baker for taking time out to do this interview for me. I would like to wish him the best of luck this saturday night at Shogun Fights 2.

The Mystery Message in my NotePad at Mariners game!!

As I opened my book it said "Tim S*CKS!" and a scribbly autograph. Here is how it all went down!

As I came back from a smoke break(Pall Mall Ultra Light was calling my name lol) I opened my World Famous Notepad(the notepad I bought at Rite Aids for a low fee of 98 cents). When someone gave me a FREE note! The above picture is a actual photo of the crime evidence. As I read this message the first thing I thought was “This must be someone who reads my stories lol.” Or “Is there a Pittsburgh Steeler fan at the game?”

As the Mariners destroyed the Guard (The game was over in the 1st Quarter) I had extra time to do my own investigation. I asked my family and friends who were with me, but they were CLUELESS like Alisia Silverstone. “Who wrote this….a GHOST?” Was Patrick Swayze visiting us at 1st Mariner Arena? Or was I blaming him since I was forced to watch that 2 hour boring movie with my wife last week(I want $4 back Hollywood Video!).

Some of the local fans said “It might be Paul ClarySr.” But Paul cleared his name up when he told me via facebook ” I usually sign things P. Nutbutter!) and by looking at the autograph on paper, I dont see a P. Nutbutter signature! I need to get to the bottom of this Baltimore! I am offering a $2 Reward OR a shot of Old Crow Whiskey to any one who knows who wrote this courtesy comment in my 98 cent Rite Aid notepad!

Baltimore Mariners get 1st Shutout in AIFA History!!

The Baltimore Mariners aka the AIFA Dream Team, got the first ever shut-out in team and AIFA league history tonight by running over the Guard 59-0. This team is doing just what I said they could a few weeks back. They could go undefeated this season. I think the only team who will have a chance to compete against them could be Reading Express. But even with MVP QB Rob Flowers, it may not be enough. This team is too stacked at offense and defense. I will have all the stories for you this week on this past game. The Mariners ship is running on a full tank of gas! Man…this team is good!

Baltimore Awarded Sexy Lingerie Football League Franchise!

Will you come watch beautiful models in lingerie playing football Baltimore? Yeah Pop open a beer, the Baltimore Charm are here. The idea of this league was a follow up to the very succesful Lingerie Bowl at a Super Bowl halftime show a few years back. Here is the leagues facebook page link
http://www.facebook.com/#!/mylfl?ref=mf

My father called me with exictement early today telling me this news. Can you get Press Passes for this new team he asked? "Probally" I told him. Guys will be lining up to buy tickets! It will be a arena full of 12,000 drunks watching scandelous woman in lingerie! Is this the damn strip club or a legit franchise?

Some intelligent person found a glorified way to bring a strip club atmosphere to a football league. Somebody got to much time on there hands lol. Me, being a married man, not sure if my wife will let me cover this sexy sporting event.

Steve Wilkos Crew will be at Mariners Game this Sunday!!

I love it, when the crowd chants Sttteeeevvvveeee! Steve Wilkos is my favorite TV show! And there will be a future show featuring 2 Baltimore Mariners. Them players are Fearon Wright and Isaiah Grier.I hope I can get some pics of there crew for you this Sunday at 4pm at the 1st Mariner Arena! The following is the media news sent to me from the Baltimore Mariners with info on the Steve Wilkos crew coming to the 1st Mariner Arena this sunday!!

When a Baltimore mother afraid her twin 16-year old boys would continue toward a life filled with drugs, arrests, and a mindset of not living past the age of 20 she contacted The Steve Wilkos Show for help. In search of role models for the boys; men who had seen the darker side of growing up in the inner city, but had overcome obstacles to build successful careers, The Steve Wilkos Show reached out to the Baltimore Mariners for mentors. Mariners Fearon Wright and Isaiah Grier will appear on the show and also have started a mentor relationship with the boys.

Mariners Headed to the TOP!

The Baltimore Mariners have become the talk of the town! Finally the team is getting the respect it deserves! And to all of you doubters, this aint the BlackBirds lol! This is the Mariners, under a new ownership group, and a roster that could be the best in the AIFA Arena Football League. The Mariners had a very solid opening day crowd. My reporter James Meeker was telling people at his workplace about the team. A guy at my job today told me, his friend went to the Mariners game and he loved it. The guy at work asked me when do they play next, he needs to check out a game, I told him “this sunday at 4pm at 1st Mariner Arena.”

Last season I predicted the team would draw at least 8,000 fans for its last 2 home games, but a sellout this season, could be a possibilty. The Mariners are riding the same wave of success that the Baltimore Blast did in Baltimore in the early 90’s. That indoor soccer team was once the talk of town, before fizzing out years later. This has always been a football town. Man, for a sports writer this is exciting news for me. Just last season, there was a media snub. Last season I came in late in the year and was blown away at how exciting the game was, when I went to cover the team for the first time. I knew back then, something special was about to happen!

All the media was there. The fans were jumping with excitement. The 1st Mariner Arena was the most happening place in Baltimore this past sunday, and the Mariners owned Baltimore! And this sunday they will once again be the KING of the Baltimore sports world! I dont hear anybody in town really talking about the Orioles and how they will come in last place again. A few sports writers have tried to make the Orioles the main topic, but the real sports fans know its Mariners who are the REAL topic!

I seen all types of Media at the game this past sunday. Guys with the biggest zoom lens cameras I ever seen. Some writers with there black notebooks. I even seen Nasty Nester from the radio standing with other media members. Me, covering events as many as I have, all I need is a little flip pad. I have eyes, and notes is all I need to write a great story lol! I have a small digital camera, and a voice recorder(I still use the tape recorder version, I am old school lol).

I even met the Mariners owners after the game. I have to say Dwayne Wells and Kevin Fash are great owners, and very nice people. I got a very good impression when I met them. This team deserves the good press its getting. They love there fans. And believe me folks, I only stand behind teams that care about there fans. The Baltimore Mariners are headed to the TOP of the Baltimore Sporting World! They offer a team and product that is exciting as it gets. The team lives up to its billing…..Fast, Furious Fun! If you havent seen the team play yet, come out and watch the greatest team on turf this sunday at 4pm at the 1st Mariner Arena. And if you come, bring your cow bells, or anything else loud. Lets get this Arena Rocking with Noise this Sunday!!

Joe Moko Arrested! This time he COULD serve some serious Time!

Joe Moko wrecked his buddies 1982 Dodge Dakota pickup truck into a tree tonight in Max Meadows. Moko attempted to flee the scene. Police thinking the car may have been stoled and just NOT reported yet, sent out a hellicopter crew. Moko was arresed last week, but this time, he faces prison time.

Moko was caught about a mile away from the crash scene out of breath attempting to drink water out of a stream. Police were there in about 2 minutes. "Mr.Moko attempted to throw a punch at a officer, so he was tasered" said a spokesperson for the Max Meadows police. "Mr. Moko will be held, and we will not set bail for him" they said.

Moko told me on a telephone call at 9pm"That he would send me letters by the mail" and "I would be responsible for getting his voice out".

Football Players Car gets Hit by Football

As my group was exiting the 1st Mariner Arena, 2 guys were playing catch with a football. One guy had a beer in one hand, and threw a football with the other. This guy should try to become a QB, he didnt even spill his beer when he winged it 80 mph, like he was John Elway in the Super Bowl.

Thats when Mariners player Adam Foley was leaving the lot in his red sports car. When the ball bounced very hard off of his side door. Foley wasnt suited this week, he told my reporter the reason was "he missed practice."

Foley got out, kept his emotions in, and quietly walked over after looking at his car door, that had been hit by a football. I know one thing lol, good thing Adam is professional...because he is a big boy, he is a offensive lineman for the Mariners. We then started to walk to our vehicles.

Upcoming Events I Will Be Covering

The Mariners stories will be published right here. The team has a 3 game home stand that my media team will be attending starting on Sunday, March 14 at 4pm at the 1st Mariner Arena. The Baltimore Mariners are our exciting arena football team, and I am very happy the team is giving me Press Access!

Shogun Fights, will be another event we will be given access to via Press Passes. This event will be taking place on Saturday night March 27th at 1st Mariner Arena. This will be the first ever sanctioned MMA fights I will attend. I am looking forward to it.

We will probally be going to the PPV WWE show at 1st Mariner Arena. I have been submitted for Press Passes, and I am waiting for the final OK from WWE.

Then on Sunday, April 18th, we return to cover the very entertaining ACW:Broken Dreams Pro-Wrestling event to be held at Edgewater /Annapolis Elks in Edgewater Md!

I will have info on that ACW event in the coming weeks. Also Joe Moko heads to Max Meadows in Va to fight long time enemy Big Bill Bunker, the man who fired him at his Burger King job last year. That date has not yet been set, but it will happen in May, after Moko recovers from his broken nose.

I want to thank all of these events for allowing us to cover them. You readers are in for a treat! I as always, will be bringing you coverage of the best sporting events!

Hillbilly Hunter Goes for a Hellicopter Ride!!

The Hillbilly Hunter, Jan Lewis went for a hellicopter ride tonight! The famous West Virginia hunter was drunk and passed out. When his best friend Dan Henderson called up a local hellicopter pilot to play a prank on him.

Henderson knew his buddies biggest fear in life was hellicopters, so he thought it would be amusing to get him in one, after he passed out. When the famous hunter woke up "He went bezerk!" says Mike Rictols a local nurse at a area hospital in West Virginia. Mr.Lewis upon waking up, suffered a severe anxiety attack!

He is currently on Valum, slowly calming down after this horrific experience. "All I heard was, your going on a hellicopter ride, I was so drunk I thought it was a joke" says a recovering Jan "Hillbilly Hunter" Lewis!

Ohhh Noooo Mr.Bill! Joe Moko is Coming For You!

On his facebook page Joe Moko said "Ohhh Noooo Mr. Bill!" in reference to the former Burger King manager who fired him, and is his next opponent in Max Meadows bareknuckel King of the Mountain series! Below that post was another comment made by the 413 former hotdog eating Champion "Kill Bill Volume 3 Coming to a Mountain Top Near You!"

This fight is personal for Joe Moko. Big Bill Bunker took something from him last year when he fired him in Baltimore. Moko was kicked out of his mothers basement after he lost his job. His mom called him a loser, causing a bad string of bad luck and no place to live at!

Moko hitchhiked to any where the drivers would take him. He ended up in Max Meadows, Va. He was offered a bareknuckel fight up there, but was badly beatin in 52 seconds! After his brother was paralized while up in Va. to visit him(his brother did a bareknuckel fight) Moko snapped! He trained in local Mud Wrestling, his weight and attitude benefited him.

Then the winter came, and Moko flourished in the freezing night time mountain top fights winning 3 in a row. Even though he had his nose broke by 21 year old champ, Moko is coming to this fight with a very bad attitude! "I am going to punish that son of a b*tch!" says Moko. Big Bill Bunker...in May, people are going to be screaming OHHH NOOOO Mr. Bill after you get beat down by Moko!

Trailer Park Survival Skils

Every summer, we get some rich folks who think it would be ammusing to drive by our Trailer Park Community and take pictures of us, as they honk there damn Mercedes Benz horns, and call us Trailer Park Trash! But be warned, the last person who parked never found his car lol! The locals got paybacks, as he could NOT find his car when he came back from a bar down the street. He was a outsider, who thought it would be entertaining to steal someones Trailer Park parking space.

I know some of you kids want to visit a Trailer Park near you this summer, BUT we warned, learn my Trailer Park Survival Skills, or YOU may be leaving without a car, or via Ambulance!

Rule #1, do NOT drink, or get caught with a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey in the Trailer Park. Yeah, 99.9% of the locals sip on whiskey here! BUT, most of them buy local moonshine from the Rednecks, or they buy Old Crow, I made that famous in the Trailer Park. I have autographed Old Crow bottles for many Trailer Park residents. We consider Jack Daniels the rich man's whiskey. All violaters, will find out, what it is like to have a bottle of Jack Daniels poured on your head!

Rule #2, do NOT attempt to park a rich expensive sports car in the Trailer Park! The last guy who did that last summer, was seen running down a street here, screaming his car has been stolen lol! I will never forget hearing Big Mike screaming at him "Run Loser Run" and he attempted to find his car!

Rule #3, while we are on the car subject, also do NOT attempt to take pictures of the locals here! Many of the hate camera's, and you are almost guaranteed to have someone give you the finger if you try to take a pic of them. Most people here drink heavy, and most are Rednecks and Hillbilly's, they own sshotguns lol, and they love to HUNT. Unless its a Wall-Mart issued camera....keep it home!

Rule #4, do NOT attempt to live here, if YOU own all of your real teeth! Seriously, someone may give you a new dental plan lol. I was in a brutal car accident when I was only 20. I lost my upper teeth, after my face went through the window. I have to be honest, owning dentures has helped me fit in. SeaBond is the favorite denture adhesive here, it has a strong hold on your dentures. By, By Ozziness, Give SeaBond a Try!

Learn these 4 Rules of Trailer Park Survival, if you plan on visiting a Trailer Park this summer. Follow these simple rules, and YOU may become one of us, YOU may fit in like a puzzle piece, YOU may become Trailer Park Trash.....like me...Tim Lumber. If you visit, bring me down some Old Crow!

Joe Moko get Arrested for Disorderly Conduct

The 413 pound eating sensation, turned bareknuckel fighter has been arrested! "Mr.Moko was threatening people in my bar" says Tom Howard, a bartender at a local beer bar in Max Meadows, Va.

The Max Meadows Sheriff who is NOT a big fan of Moko, also knows he participates in illegal bareknuckel fights, BUT can't prove it with no evidence, arrived to the scene, when Moko cussed him out.

"Mr.Moko was arrested for disorderly conduct, and will be free to leave jail on Thursday" said a spokesman for the Max Meadows police. Moko was said to have pushed a man down to the ground, after a argument over a Juke-Box song.

WHY I Support the Mariners Organization!!

When it comes to fully promoting a sports team or event, several things have to be met! The Baltimore Mariners meet them demands! The team is 1st Class from the owner to the players to the staff. I have met some real idiots at events I have covered in the past...and I refuse to promote them events nowadays!

The Mariners team cares more about its fans, than any other Pro-Franchise in Baltimore. Following there Home-Games(Home Opener this Sunday at 4pm at 1st Mariner Arena) you the fan can walk on the field and get player/cheerleader autographs and pictures for about 15 minutes after the game! Name me one other Pro-Team who does that?

They bring fans on the field for contests during the games. YOU may even get lucky and catch a football during the game! If you catch it, or the ball goes into the stands, you can keep it! The team acknowledges a fan group called the Mariner Maniacs. The team works with this fan club. Other organizations dont do these things!

The Baltimore Mariners are worth every penny of there ticket price. They offer affordable ticket prices. Other AIFA teams charge almost double for the cheapest ticket price that the Mariners offer! Please come ut this Sunday, for $7 you WONT go wrong. I will be there, so please join me, and all the other wild fans, and lets help root the Mariners on!

I Want YOU Raven fans to BUY Ticket for Mariners Game this Sunday!

Baltimore Raven fans....we HAVE another Pro-Football Team in Baltimore! And this damn Sunday at 4pm at the 1st Mariner Arena, YOUR greatest show on turf, the Baltimore Mariners play there 1st home game of the 2010 Arena Football AIFA season. You can buy tickets for $7 for crying out loud! You aint doing nothing that important this Sunday, so buy a ticket you tightwad!

Come see QB E.J. Nemeth, WR Scorpio Brown run the most potent offense in Baltimore! Come watch Defensive Player of the Year candidate Fearon Wright and company knock the socks off of the opposing team.

I am calling out all of YOU so-called football fans! You probally have $7 worth of change sitting in your house! Roll up your pennies, do what ever, but you can round up $7 lol! Like I have always said Baltimore....if you never been to a Baltimore Mariners arena football game at 1st Mariner Arena, than you my friend...are NOT a real football fan. See ya this Sunday at 4pm!

Local Soccer Player Leaves Bar via Ambulance

Talk about being in the right place at the right time! I was driving by a bar when I seen cops and a ambulance. Out came a guy on a stretcher screaming in pain. His name is unknown, but I know he told some guy he would give him a soccer head butt in bar. Apparently according to a witness, the no-name soccer player had one too many to drink.

"This dude split his eye open with a beer bottle" a witness told me. "Soccer dude dropped." I guess this no-name soccer player never head butted the guy like he was bragging he would do! Instead he has a ONE-WAY ticket via ambulance to a Emergency Room. Some people just cant handle there booze!

Moko to Fight former Burger King Manager who fired him in May

Big Bill Bunker, the man who fired Joe Moko from his Burger King french fry cook job after 14 years employment there, will finally accept Joe Moko's challenge. "If he thinks his nose is broken and hurting now, wait until I re-break it, Joe was a lazy *ss worker, so I fired his fat *ss!" says Bunker.

Bill Bunker says he hasnt been in a fist fight since 1992, but he wants the excercise and bragging rights that come along to those who can KO the tough 413 pound eating sensation. "I am going to keep punching him in that broken nose, over and over until he falls to the ground" says Bunker. "He will respect me afterwards, this guy has been talking sh*t about me for a year now, and enough is enough, I will shut him up for good on that mountain top" says a angry Bill Bunker.

"Joe may be 400 pounds, but they call me Big Bill, I will beat Joe in May, I guarantee it" says Bunker.Bunker quit his Burger King managers job after only 4 months. Alot of Moko's friends were outraged some new boss would fire a 14 year employee, when he the boss was only there for 1 week. Jobs are tough to come by Bill Bunker, and in May, Joe Moko wants to REPAY you all that money back that you cost him. Good luck, you will need it moron! Moko is going to run you over, you have made him mad...and that my loser friend is a BAD, Bad, Bad, Bad idea!

Joe Moko Starts Ravens Crew Fan Club in Max Meadows

The 413 pound former HotDog eating Champ turned bareknuckel fighter in Max Meadows, has started a new local fan club in Virginia dedicated to the Baltimore Ravens. “I love them Ravens, they are my team” said Moko. “So far, I dont have any people who have come to my meetings” he tells us. Moko is attempting to turn Max Meadow residents who are traditional Steeler fans into Raven fans. He was supposed to have this big meeting with new members to Ravens Crew, but NO one showed.

“These idiots around here worship the Steelers, me and them, do not get along” he tells me. Last but not least I asked him”what would he do if a Steeler fan came to his meeting?” Moko told me”I would kick his *ss, plain and simple, I am one dude you don’t want to mess with.”

I would like to wish the bigman good luck with his new Bar Club called Ravens Crew…don’t tell me all of you Max Meadows residents are LOSERS lol! Only losers root for the Squeelers lol. Give me a damn break Max Meadows, joing Joe Moko’s Ravens Crew club….before Joe Moko beats you down lol!!!